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英语笑话

牛站笑话网英语笑话栏目为广大段友提供2018最新的英语笑话大全,让您在笑话中感受生活的乐趣。

  •   1、文学:我想所有迷人的人都是被宠爱着的,这是他们魅力来源的秘密。

      All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction.

      2、每个圣人都有过去,每个罪人都有未来。

      Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

      3、一个思想若称不上危险,那么它就不值得被称作思想。

      An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

      4、我们都生活在阴沟里,但仍有人仰望星空。

      We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

      5、引用,是智慧耐用的替代品。

      Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit .


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  • 玲于
    玲于   2018-09-20 10:04:03

    与人生相比,戏剧更加真实

      1、文学摆脱诱惑的唯一方法就是服从它。除了诱惑,我可以抵抗任何东西。

      The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. I can resist anything but temptation.

      2、敌人造成的困难很容易忍受,朋友取得的成功却让人很难忍受。

      It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.

      3、世界上只有一件事比被人议论更糟糕,那就是没人议论你。

      The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

      4、人生的悲剧只有两种:一种是没有得到自己想要的东西,另一种是得到自己想要的东西。

      There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

      5、一个人总是可以善待他毫不在乎的人。

      One can always be kind to people one cares nothing about.

      6、任何人都能对朋友的不幸感到同情,但要消受一个春风得意的朋友,则需要非常优良的天性。

      Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.

      7、我喜欢看戏。与人生相比,戏剧更加真实。

      I love acting. It is so much more real than life.


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  •   1、文学:三十五岁是一个非常有吸引力的年龄;伦敦社交圈内满是这样好多年一直保持三十五岁的女人,她们可以自由地挑来选去。

      Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.

      2、不要给女人忠告;你不能给女人任何她晚上不能穿的东西。

      Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

      3、女人是用来被爱的,不是用来理解的。

      Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

      4、如果一个女人不能把自己的错误变得迷人,那她就只是一个雌性动物。

      If a woman can't make her mistakes charming, she is only a female."

      5、一个人决不应该相信说出自己真实年龄的女人。如果她把这都说出来了,那她什么都会说。

      One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.


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  • 無處葬心
    無處葬心   2018-09-20 09:51:12

    王尔德经典语录(下)

      1、文学:离婚的主要原因是什么?结婚。

      What is the chief cause of divorce? Marriage.

      2、 结婚是想象战胜了理智,再婚是希望战胜了经验。

      Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

      3、已婚男人的快乐来自那些他没有娶的人。

      The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married.

      4、他说,“人生就是一件蠢事追着另一件蠢事而来,而爱情则是两个蠢东西追来追去。”

      5、男人的脸是自传,女人的脸是小说 (这句话应该是讽刺女人化妆吧)。

      A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.

      Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.


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  • Alan
    Alan   2018-09-20 09:47:43

    王尔德经典语录(上)

      文学他嘲讽美国人。“美国是唯一一个直接从野蛮进入颓废、中间没有经过文明阶段的社会。”

      America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

      他也嘲讽他的同胞。“我们爱尔兰人太诗意以至不能做诗人,我们的国家里充满才华横溢的失败者,可我们是自希腊人以来最会说空话的民族。”

      We Irish are too poetical to be poets; we are a nation of brilliant failures, but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks.

      他说:“死亡和庸俗是十九世纪仅有的无法用巧辩逃避的东西。”

      Death and vulgarity are the only two facts in the nineteenth century that one cannot explain away.

      他问:“为什么我会和这样一些人生活在同一个时代?”

      Why was I born with such contemporaries?

      他也看不起庸俗的大众。“公众惊人地宽容。他们可以原谅一切,除了天才。”

      The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

      他说,“每次人们赞同我的时候,我都觉得自己一定错了。”

      Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

      【前任结婚防不胜防】前任结婚了,给我发了张请柬,我犹豫再三还是去了,在婚礼现场邂逅了一位帅哥,从始至终都陪在我身边,结束时我羞涩地问他:“你是不是喜欢我啊?”他腼腆一笑:“我是婚礼的保安,新郎让我全场盯着你,怕你闹事!”


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  •   文学:但是他同样不喜欢优秀的人。“一个优秀的人没有敌人,但他的朋友也没有一个喜欢他。”

      An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.

      他嘲讽悲观主义者。“借钱就要向悲观主义者借,因为他们不会期待你还钱。”

      Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

      他嘲讽好为人师的人。“对于建议,你所能做的,就是把它转送给别人,建议从来就不是给自己准备的。”

      The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.

      他嘲讽时尚,这句话即使放在今天,也是又尖锐又时髦:“时尚总是丑得难以容忍,所以每隔六个月我们都只好改一次。”

      Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

      如今段子手们还在玩的梗,他100多年前就用过了。“我年轻时以为金钱是世界上最重要的东西,等到老了才知道,原来真的是这样。”

      When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life, now that I am old, I know it is.


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  •   文学:他嘲讽他的敌人,“要原谅你的敌人,没有什么事比这更让他们抓狂的了。”

      Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

      他也嘲讽他的朋友。“我不想去天堂,我的朋友都不在那里。”

      I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

      他嘲讽平庸的人,几乎不给人留任何活路。他说,“努力不过是无事可做的人的避难所。”

      Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.

      他说,“只有无聊的人才会把早餐吃出花样来。”

      Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

      他说,”只有浅薄的人才了解自己。”

      Only the shallow know themselves.

      他还说,“糟糕的画家总是欣赏彼此的作品。”

      Bad artists always admire each other's work


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  • ご沿海哋带づ
    ご沿海哋带づ   2018-08-07 10:10:35

    Where are you from?

      一老外搭讪:“Where are you from?”

      我听懂了,但是一下子不晓得怎样答复,于是说了句:made in china。

      怀着冲动的心境去查四级分数,结果居然没过!吓得我忽然从梦中惊醒,光荣这只是一场梦!这时有个人向我走来:“这位同窗,四级测验结束,请交卷!”


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  • Alan
    Alan   2018-08-06 15:05:56

    英语笑话之圣诞树

      英语笑话之圣诞树

      查理每年都向他老爸吵着要圣诞树,他老爸总是说太贵了,不想买。

      今年圣诞节又到了,查理的老爸实在被他吵得头疼,于是提起斧子出了门。过了一刻钟,老爸扛着

      一棵大个的圣诞树回来了。查理高兴地大叫起来,“老爸,你真了不起,才花一刻钟就砍了这么大

      的一棵树回来!”

      老爸拍拍他的后脑勺说,“傻小子,砍树哪有那么快,我是从集市上带回来的。”

      查理问:“你不是嫌贵不想买的吗?”

      老爸说:“没看我带了斧子吗?”

      Christmas tree

      Charlie quarrels every year to his old father is wanting theChristmas tree, his old

      father always said, has too expensively notwanted to buy.

      This year Christmas day arrived, Charlie's old father really quarrelsby him the

      headache, thereupon mentioned the axe to leave the gate.Crossed the quarter of an hour,

      the old father carried on the shouldera big Christmas tree to come back. Charlie

      happily loudly cries out,"the old father, you are really great, only then spend the

      quarter ofan hour to chop a such big tree to come back!"


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  • 片寄凉太的女友
    片寄凉太的女友   2018-08-06 11:57:33

    丈夫买冰的事

      Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.

      Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back

      and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and

      watching the ice melting.

      “What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”

      “I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.

      从前有一个笨人的妻子让她的丈夫买几块冰。

      两个小时后,他还没回来。

      她想知道他为什么没回来,就出去看了看,发现她的丈夫在门口站着,在太阳下晒冰,看着冰融化。

      她问他:“怎么啦?你为什么不把它拿进来?”

      “我看见冰是湿的,恐怕你会训斥我,因此,我正在把它晒干。”笨人回答道。


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  • grape
    grape   2018-08-03 09:46:53

    卖扫帚的人和理发师

      A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.

      "Two pence," said the man.

      "No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."

      The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

      "A penny." said the barber.

      "I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."

      卖扫帚的人和理发师

      一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.

      卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"

      "不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."

      卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.

      卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上."


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  • ﹏繁花°似景
    ﹏繁花°似景   2018-08-01 09:54:13

    圣诞心愿

      英语笑话之圣诞心愿

      有个叫亚历山大的小男孩写信给圣诞老人:

      “亲爱的圣诞老人,去年我收到的是一个妹妹,而不是一辆赛车。也许,另一个想得到妹妹的男童却收到了赛车。我们把那个妹妹留了下来,但现在我仍然想要一辆赛车。”

      邻居的小男孩见亚历山大这样写,也赶紧给写了一封信:

      “亲爱的圣诞老人,去年您虽然帮我弄到了一辆赛车,但今年我还需要一辆大一岁的新赛车。至于那个新的小妹妹,您还是留到明年送给亚历山大吧。”

      Christmas wish

      Has to be called Alexander the young boy to write a letter forSanta Claus:

      "Dear Santa Claus, last year I received am a younger sister, but wasnot a vehicle race. Perhaps, another wanted to obtain the youngersister the boy actually to receive the vehicle race. We have kept thatyounger sister 焉 are, but now I still wanted a vehicle race."

      The neighbor young boy sees Alexander to write like this, also hurriedto give has written a letter:

      "Dear Santa Claus, last year you although helped me to make a vehiclerace, but this year I also need a big year-old new vehicle race. Asfor that new little younger sister, you or will remain to the nextyear give Alexander."


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  •   Sometimes,people put up walls not to keep people away,but to see who cares enough to tear those walls down. -

      ----- 有时候人们会筑起一道墙,其实并不想把人都拒之门外,而是要等待一个人,一个足够在乎,可以拆掉围墙的人。


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  • July
    July   2018-07-30 15:46:19

    都会好的

      A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea,

      said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when

      you've got something in it.

      Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

      That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had

      something in it.

      一个男孩放学回家时,觉得肚子痛。来,坐下,吃点点心,妈妈说,你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。

      一会儿,男孩的爸爸下班回家了,说是头痛。

      你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的,他那聪明的儿子说,里面装点东西,就会好的。


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  •   How much English can you speak?


      "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."


      The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"


      The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"


      "法官先生,我的当事人被指控偷窃,这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约,几乎不认路。


      而且,他只会说几个英语单词。"


      法官看了看被告,问道:"你会说多少英文?"


      被告抬起头,说:"把你的钱包给我!"


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  • 玲于
    玲于   2018-07-26 11:52:05

    爷爷给我付账

      爷爷给我付账

      Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

      "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine,"

      said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

      With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly

      measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

      The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her,

      and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

      一个漂亮的女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台,说:“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子,多少

      钱?”

      “每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着,带着奸笑的表情“很好,”女孩说,“我要十码。

      ”

      带着期待的表情,售货员很快地量好了布料,包裹好,一脸奸笑地送了过来。

      女孩很快收起了包裹,微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头:“爷爷给我付账。”


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  • apple
    apple   2018-07-25 10:52:29

    我在哪儿

      Where Am I 我在哪儿

      An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."

      一个英国人在乡下开车时迷了路,他看见一个农民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把车开过

      去问那位农民:“劳驾,您能告诉我我现在这是在哪儿吗?” “可以。”农夫奇怪地看了看他,

      然后说道:“你现在在你的车子里,先生。”


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  • 半夢__半醒
    半夢__半醒   2018-07-25 09:48:14

    假日巡航游

      A Vacation Cruise 假日巡航游

      One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment. Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise."

      "I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."

      一愚笨之人读到一则假日巡航游只须花100元的广告。在他签了字付了款后,旅游经纪人用棒

      猛击了他一下,把他打昏了过去,并把他从后门扔进了河里。不久又来了一个人,付了钱并得到

      了相同的待遇。 十五分钟后,这两个人一起向河的下游漂去。第一个人说:“不知道他们这次巡

      航游是否提供食物。” “不知道,”第二个人说道,“去年是没有的。”


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  • HAYATO
    HAYATO   2018-07-20 11:35:24

    there's only ONE policeman

      there's only ONE policeman

      one day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked,

      "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied,

      "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

      一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?”“唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”


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  • 片寄凉太的女友
    片寄凉太的女友   2018-07-20 09:44:50

    roast pig

      roast pig 烤乳猪

      A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added:"Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

      一位先生去赴宴迟到了,匆忙入座后,发现自己的座位正对着乳猪,于是大为高兴的说:“还不错,我坐在乳猪的旁边。”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视,他忙陪笑改口到:“对不起,我说的是那只烤好的。”


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