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英语笑话

牛站笑话网英语笑话栏目为广大段友提供2018最新的英语笑话大全,让您在笑话中感受生活的乐趣。

  • ご沿海哋带づ
    ご沿海哋带づ   2018-08-07 10:10:35

    Where are you from?

      一老外搭讪:“Where are you from?”

      我听懂了,但是一下子不晓得怎样答复,于是说了句:made in china。

      怀着冲动的心境去查四级分数,结果居然没过!吓得我忽然从梦中惊醒,光荣这只是一场梦!这时有个人向我走来:“这位同窗,四级测验结束,请交卷!”


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    20 9 3
  • Alan
    Alan   2018-08-06 15:05:56

    英语笑话之圣诞树

      英语笑话之圣诞树

      查理每年都向他老爸吵着要圣诞树,他老爸总是说太贵了,不想买。

      今年圣诞节又到了,查理的老爸实在被他吵得头疼,于是提起斧子出了门。过了一刻钟,老爸扛着

      一棵大个的圣诞树回来了。查理高兴地大叫起来,“老爸,你真了不起,才花一刻钟就砍了这么大

      的一棵树回来!”

      老爸拍拍他的后脑勺说,“傻小子,砍树哪有那么快,我是从集市上带回来的。”

      查理问:“你不是嫌贵不想买的吗?”

      老爸说:“没看我带了斧子吗?”

      Christmas tree

      Charlie quarrels every year to his old father is wanting theChristmas tree, his old

      father always said, has too expensively notwanted to buy.

      This year Christmas day arrived, Charlie's old father really quarrelsby him the

      headache, thereupon mentioned the axe to leave the gate.Crossed the quarter of an hour,

      the old father carried on the shouldera big Christmas tree to come back. Charlie

      happily loudly cries out,"the old father, you are really great, only then spend the

      quarter ofan hour to chop a such big tree to come back!"


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  • 片寄凉太的女友
    片寄凉太的女友   2018-08-06 11:57:33

    丈夫买冰的事

      Once a simpleton’s wife told him to buy some ice.

      Two hours later, he didn’t come back. She wanted to know why he didn’t come back

      and went out to have a look. She saw he was standing in the sun at the gate and

      watching the ice melting.

      “What’s the matter?” She asked him. “Why don’t you bring it in?”

      “I saw the ice was wet and I was afraid that you would scold me so I’m running it dry.” The simpleton answered.

      从前有一个笨人的妻子让她的丈夫买几块冰。

      两个小时后,他还没回来。

      她想知道他为什么没回来,就出去看了看,发现她的丈夫在门口站着,在太阳下晒冰,看着冰融化。

      她问他:“怎么啦?你为什么不把它拿进来?”

      “我看见冰是湿的,恐怕你会训斥我,因此,我正在把它晒干。”笨人回答道。


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    17 5 3
  • grape
    grape   2018-08-03 09:46:53

    卖扫帚的人和理发师

      A man who sold brooms went into a barber's shop to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, when he had shaved him, asked for the price of it.

      "Two pence," said the man.

      "No, no, " said the barber, "I will give you a penny, and if you do not think that enough, you may take your broom again."

      The man took it, and asked what he had to pay for his shave.

      "A penny." said the barber.

      "I will give you a half-penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again."

      卖扫帚的人和理发师

      一个卖扫帚的人去一家理发店修面.理发师向他买了一把扫帚.当理发师给他修完面后,问了一下扫帚的价钱.

      卖扫帚的人说:"两便士"

      "不,不"理发师说,"我只出一便士.如果你认为不够的话,可以把扫帚拿回去."

      卖扫帚的人取回了扫帚,随后问修面要付多少钱.

      卖扫帚的人说:"我只能给你半个便士,如果你认为不够的话,你可以把胡子再替我装上."


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  • ﹏繁花°似景
    ﹏繁花°似景   2018-08-01 09:54:13

    圣诞心愿

      英语笑话之圣诞心愿

      有个叫亚历山大的小男孩写信给圣诞老人:

      “亲爱的圣诞老人,去年我收到的是一个妹妹,而不是一辆赛车。也许,另一个想得到妹妹的男童却收到了赛车。我们把那个妹妹留了下来,但现在我仍然想要一辆赛车。”

      邻居的小男孩见亚历山大这样写,也赶紧给写了一封信:

      “亲爱的圣诞老人,去年您虽然帮我弄到了一辆赛车,但今年我还需要一辆大一岁的新赛车。至于那个新的小妹妹,您还是留到明年送给亚历山大吧。”

      Christmas wish

      Has to be called Alexander the young boy to write a letter forSanta Claus:

      "Dear Santa Claus, last year I received am a younger sister, but wasnot a vehicle race. Perhaps, another wanted to obtain the youngersister the boy actually to receive the vehicle race. We have kept thatyounger sister 焉 are, but now I still wanted a vehicle race."

      The neighbor young boy sees Alexander to write like this, also hurriedto give has written a letter:

      "Dear Santa Claus, last year you although helped me to make a vehiclerace, but this year I also need a big year-old new vehicle race. Asfor that new little younger sister, you or will remain to the nextyear give Alexander."


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  •   Sometimes,people put up walls not to keep people away,but to see who cares enough to tear those walls down. -

      ----- 有时候人们会筑起一道墙,其实并不想把人都拒之门外,而是要等待一个人,一个足够在乎,可以拆掉围墙的人。


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    17 6 0
  • July
    July   2018-07-30 15:46:19

    都会好的

      A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. Well, sit down and eat your tea,

      said his mother. Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when

      you've got something in it.

      Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.

      That's because it's empty, said his bright son. You'd be all right if you had

      something in it.

      一个男孩放学回家时,觉得肚子痛。来,坐下,吃点点心,妈妈说,你肚子痛是因为肚子是空的。吃点东西就会好的。

      一会儿,男孩的爸爸下班回家了,说是头痛。

      你头痛是因为你的脑袋是空的,他那聪明的儿子说,里面装点东西,就会好的。


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  •   How much English can you speak?


      "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."


      The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"


      The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"


      "法官先生,我的当事人被指控偷窃,这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约,几乎不认路。


      而且,他只会说几个英语单词。"


      法官看了看被告,问道:"你会说多少英文?"


      被告抬起头,说:"把你的钱包给我!"


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  • 玲于
    玲于   2018-07-26 11:52:05

    爷爷给我付账

      爷爷给我付账

      Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

      "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine,"

      said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

      With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly

      measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

      The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her,

      and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

      一个漂亮的女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台,说:“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子,多少

      钱?”

      “每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着,带着奸笑的表情“很好,”女孩说,“我要十码。

      ”

      带着期待的表情,售货员很快地量好了布料,包裹好,一脸奸笑地送了过来。

      女孩很快收起了包裹,微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头:“爷爷给我付账。”


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  • apple
    apple   2018-07-25 10:52:29

    我在哪儿

      Where Am I 我在哪儿

      An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."

      一个英国人在乡下开车时迷了路,他看见一个农民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把车开过

      去问那位农民:“劳驾,您能告诉我我现在这是在哪儿吗?” “可以。”农夫奇怪地看了看他,

      然后说道:“你现在在你的车子里,先生。”


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    16 2 4
  • 半夢__半醒
    半夢__半醒   2018-07-25 09:48:14

    假日巡航游

      A Vacation Cruise 假日巡航游

      One stupid guy reads an ad about a vacation cruise that costs only $ 100.After he signs up and pays, the travel agent hits him with a bat, knocks him unconscious and throws him out the back door into the river. Soon another guy comes in, pays his fee and gets the same treatment. Fifteen minutes later, as the two are floating down the river together, the first man says, "I wonder if they're serving any food on this cruise."

      "I don' t know, the second guy replied. "They didn't last year."

      一愚笨之人读到一则假日巡航游只须花100元的广告。在他签了字付了款后,旅游经纪人用棒

      猛击了他一下,把他打昏了过去,并把他从后门扔进了河里。不久又来了一个人,付了钱并得到

      了相同的待遇。 十五分钟后,这两个人一起向河的下游漂去。第一个人说:“不知道他们这次巡

      航游是否提供食物。” “不知道,”第二个人说道,“去年是没有的。”


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  • HAYATO
    HAYATO   2018-07-20 11:35:24

    there's only ONE policeman

      there's only ONE policeman

      one day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked,

      "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied,

      "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

      一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?”“唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”


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  • 片寄凉太的女友
    片寄凉太的女友   2018-07-20 09:44:50

    roast pig

      roast pig 烤乳猪

      A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added:"Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

      一位先生去赴宴迟到了,匆忙入座后,发现自己的座位正对着乳猪,于是大为高兴的说:“还不错,我坐在乳猪的旁边。”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视,他忙陪笑改口到:“对不起,我说的是那只烤好的。”


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    12 1 3
  • reo
    reo   2018-07-19 16:28:50

    看手相的故事

      Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year.

      Customer: Good gracious! In a year?

      Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.

      手相大师:你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。

      顾客:天哪,一年后?

      手相大师:是的,可是我不能说是哪一年。


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    9 7 5
  • 曼迪迪迪
    曼迪迪迪   2018-07-19 16:28:26

    可是我不能说是哪一年

      Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year.

      Customer: Good gracious! In a year?

      Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.

      手相大师:你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。

      顾客:天哪,一年后?

      手相大师:是的,可是我不能说是哪一年。


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    16 7 5
  • banana
    banana   2018-07-19 14:27:08

    我可以存多少钱?

      Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.

      Wife: And now?

      Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.

      丈夫:在娶你进门之前,我从来没有想过要存钱。

      妻子:那现在呢?

      丈夫:现在我在想,要是没有娶你的话,我可以存多少钱。


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    12 6 4
  • July
    July   2018-07-19 14:06:10

    谁更绅士?

      A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite.

      The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was the more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

      一个胖男人和一个瘦男人在争论谁更加绅士。

      瘦男人说他更绅士,因为每次见到女士,他都脱帽致意。但是胖男人知道自己更加绅士,因为每当他起身给女士让座的时候,都能同时坐下两位女士。


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  • 小森隼
    小森隼   2018-07-19 11:04:00

    他在等谁?

      Who is he waiting for 他在等谁

      Two friends were having lunch at a café in new York's Grand Central Terminal.

      They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress

      approached him, they overheard her ask, "Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, thin

      woman with long, blond hair?"

      He answered, "In the large scheme of my life, yes, but today I'm meeting my wife."

      两个朋友在纽约市汽车中心总站的一家咖啡厅里吃午饭。

      他们注意到一个男人独自坐在邻桌。当服务员小姐走向他时,无意中听到她问那个男人:“

      你是在等一位个子很高,很瘦,留长发,皮肤很白的金发女人吗?”

      那人回答说:“在我生活的长远规划中,我是在等。但是今天,我却是在等我的妻子。”


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  • apple
    apple   2018-07-19 09:44:44

    老太太看医生

      A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted(放屁) at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up yoursinuses(鼻窦) , let's start working on your hearing."

      有位小老太太去看医生:“医生,我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题,只是我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上,我在这里已经放了20多个屁,但是你并不知道对吧,因为我的屁不臭,而且还没声音。”医生说:“好的,我明白了。吃这个药片,一天三次连续吃七天,下星期你再来。”一星期后老太太来了,“医生,你到底给的我什么药,现在我放屁还是没声音,但是怎么这么臭!”医生说:“太好了!你的嗅觉正常了,现在开始治听觉。”


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  • 片寄凉太的女友
    片寄凉太的女友   2018-07-18 15:10:18

    3位医生到了天堂

      Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked them why they should be let into heaven.

      The first doctor said,″Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.″ St. Peter let him in.

      The second doctor said, ″I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free

      clinics and helped those in need forfree.″ St. Peter let him in.

      The third doctor said, ″I'm responsible for all the hospitals across the United States.″

      St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, ″OK,I'll let you in, but

      you will be responsible for your safety!″

      3位医生到了天堂。圣彼得问他们,为什么他们能进入天堂。

      第一个医生回答因为我获得过诺贝尔和平奖。圣彼得让他进了天堂。

      第二个医生回答我没得过什么奖,但我开设过免费门诊,免费治病。圣彼得让他进了天堂。

      第三个医生回答我负责管理美国所有的医院。

      圣彼得思考了一分钟,说,好吧,我让你进去,但你要为自己的安全负责!


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