英语笑话

英语笑话

牛站笑话网英语笑话栏目为广大段友提供2018最新的英语笑话大全,让您在笑话中感受生活的乐趣。

  • 夏末未了°
    夏末未了°   2018-06-15 10:42:27

    Not lost

      A traveler came to a river one day. He hired boatman to take him to the other side. It was a windy day and the waves were very high. So the traveler was a little afraid.

      "Are you sure we can cross the river safely?" he asked.

      "Of course," answered the boatman. The boat left the bank.

      "Has anyone ever been lost here before?" the anxious traveler asked again.

      "Never," the boatman answered calmly. "My brother was drowned here last week, but we found him the next day."


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    8 4 0
  • 玲于
    玲于   2018-06-15 10:07:46

    What should I do next

      Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"


      两个猎人进森林里打猎,其中一个猎人不慎跌倒,两眼翻白,似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说:“第一步,要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是,接线员在电话里听到一声枪响,然后听到那猎人接着问:“第二步怎办?”


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    9 9 3
  • July
    July   2018-06-15 10:06:59

    数学英语语文物理太差

      跟老婆感慨:“我啊,一直就是数学太差,当年要不是因为我数学差,我就考上一本了!”

      老婆冷笑一声:“老娘要不是数学英语语文物理太差,我还上清华了呢!”


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  • 蜡笔小旧
    蜡笔小旧   2018-06-15 10:01:24

    哇,那是座大桥耶

      Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

      

        拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"


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    20 5 5
  • apple
    apple   2018-06-15 09:58:33

    呵呵,一个比一个效率高

      Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

      "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

      四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

     


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    10 5 2
  • 夏末未了°
    夏末未了°   2018-06-15 09:56:45

    上帝,我能得到一便士吗?

      A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

      一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."


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    15 7 5
  • apple
    apple   2018-06-14 09:52:26

    It’s part of the game

      Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn’t make a sound.

      Mary: Of course he doesnt. Mom, its part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and Im you.


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    14 10 0
  • 浅浅dē伤
    浅浅dē伤   2018-06-13 10:09:02

    Over charge

      A pipe burst in a lawyers house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

      The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a lawyer!."

      The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."


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    15 10 0
  • 曼迪迪迪
    曼迪迪迪   2018-06-12 11:34:34

    Boss’s idea

      When my printers type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printers directions and try the job myself.

      Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually its my bosss idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."


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    14 5 0
  • 海綿bāo寶り
    海綿bāo寶り   2018-06-11 09:55:11

    He told me to see you

      Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?

      Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.

      Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?

      Patient: He told me to see you!


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  • 浅浅dē伤
    浅浅dē伤   2018-06-08 10:23:38

    Lost purse

      A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

      Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... Thats funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

      The boy quickly replied, "Thats right, lady. The last time I found a ladys purse, she didnt have any change for a reward."

      


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  • 半夢__半醒
    半夢__半醒   2018-06-07 10:30:00

    All right

      All Right Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn." "I guess its all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing." ---------------------------------------------- 我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去,在红灯处右拐了,而那是不允许的. (译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。 “啊噢,”意识到犯了错误,我说。“我刚才拐弯是违章的。” “我想那没关系的,”女儿回答说:“我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。


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  • Alan
    Alan   2018-06-06 16:53:28

    英语笑话:家丑不可外扬

      Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles,boys?

      体育老师:孩子们,你们见过男女混合双打吗?

      Nick: Yes,sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

      尼克:见过,老师,经常见。就在昨天夜里我还见过呢!

      Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

      老师:那你给大家讲讲当时的情形吧。

      Nick: Oh,sorry,sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”

      尼克:啊,对不起,老师。我爸爸常说:“家丑不可外扬。”


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    16 8 0
  • 玲于
    玲于   2018-06-06 14:20:46

    Little Tommy

      At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.

      Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"

      Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."


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  • October
    October   2018-06-04 15:31:14

    Getting sick

      "You rea application says you left your last job because of sickness. Could you explain that please? "

      "Certainly. My boss got sick of me."


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    15 5 0
  • 刪蒢ゝ鐹呿
    刪蒢ゝ鐹呿   2018-05-24 11:07:29

    A kid bit me

      Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

      "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

      "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

      "Id know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."


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    17 8 0
  • apple
    apple   2018-05-23 09:54:54

    one more

      P---patient D----doctor

      P: Doctor, the medicine u gave me was of great help!!

      D: Oh? How much do u have at a time?

      P: None, but my uncle had them, now im his only heir!


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  • 小森隼
    小森隼   2018-05-21 11:47:04

    Where are you going to keep them?

      Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

      Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

      Stan: In the bathroom 。

      Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

      Stan: Blindfold them!


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  • HAYATO
    HAYATO   2018-05-18 15:45:50

    你到处都很漂亮!

      江青会见外宾,要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻,不许走样。外宾一见到江青,立刻拍马屁道:"Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻,江青心花怒 放,嘴上还要谦虚一下:“哪里,哪里”。

      翻译不敢怠慢,把江青的话翻成英文:"Where? Where?" 外宾一愣,还有这样的人,追问哪里漂亮的,干脆马屁拍到底:"Everywhere, everywhere."

      翻译:“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了,但总是要客气一下:“不见得,不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文:"You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."


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  • 無處葬心
    無處葬心   2018-05-17 11:55:19

    Mom's here?

      One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall.

      On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.

      My husband looked up and said, Moms here?


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    16 9 0
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