A traveler came to a river one day. He hired boatman to take him to the other side. It was a windy day and the waves were very high. So the traveler was a little afraid.
"Are you sure we can cross the river safely?" he asked.
"Of course," answered the boatman. The boat left the bank.
"Has anyone ever been lost here before?" the anxious traveler asked again.
"Never," the boatman answered calmly. "My brother was drowned here last week, but we found him the next day."点击查看全部
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
Mother: Mary, why do you yell and scream so much? Play quietly like Eddie. See, he doesn’t make a sound.
Mary: Of course he doesnt. Mom, its part of the game we are playing. He is Daddy coming home late, and Im you.点击查看全部
A pipe burst in a lawyers house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.
The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I dont even make that much as a lawyer!."
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."点击查看全部
When my printers type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printers directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually its my bosss idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."点击查看全部
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!点击查看全部
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... Thats funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "Thats right, lady. The last time I found a ladys purse, she didnt have any change for a reward."点击查看全部
All Right Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn." "I guess its all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing." ---------------------------------------------- 我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的. (译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。 “啊噢，”意识到犯了错误，我说。“我刚才拐弯是违章的。” “我想那没关系的，”女儿回答说：“我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。点击查看全部
Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys?
Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.
Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.
Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"
Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."点击查看全部
"You rea application says you left your last job because of sickness. Could you explain that please? "
"Certainly. My boss got sick of me."点击查看全部
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"Id know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."点击查看全部
P: Doctor, the medicine u gave me was of great help!!
D: Oh? How much do u have at a time?
P: None, but my uncle had them, now im his only heir!点击查看全部
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!点击查看全部
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."点击查看全部
One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.
My husband looked up and said, Moms here?点击查看全部